Skin Flick
by BarbaraChilde
Summary: Blair discovers Dan's collection of erotica - Season 4 and only M for the subject matter


**Just a short thing I wrote for Porn Battle on livejournal that I thought I should share with you. The prompts were ****screwball and heels. ****It's only M for the topic and would take place in canon sometime in season 4.**

**I hope you enjoy**

* * *

"There are more DVD's here." Blair reached down and picked up a file that was tucked under the entertainment unit

Dan sprung up from the sofa he had been idling on. "No! Not that one...there's nothing worth watching in that."

"Allow me to make up my own mind, Humphrey."

He tried to snatch the file but she was too quick, her swift fingers flicking open the leaves of discs even as she evaded him. "...You dog. You've been holding out on me"

"Oh...God...There's nothing really that blue in there."

"Hmmmm...what do we have here? 9 and a 1/2 weeks. I can't believe how hot Mickey Rourke used to be." She kept flipping as Dan collapsed back on the sofa. "Wild Orchid, you do like your Mickey. Blue Velvet, Henry and June..."

"Ok, Blair, you win. We'll just watch Breakfast at Tiffany's again."

"Nice try, Humphrey. But I've decided it's more fun watching you squirm."

Dan sighed and stood up again. "I need a beer. I can't get over how you waltz into my house and just rummage through my stuff. I've never met anyone so invasive."

"Hardly, you couldn't hide anything."

"Your beady little eyes sniff out everything."

Blair shot him a withering look. "My eyes are not beady nor do they sniff. And your secrets are definitely too boring to warrant spending any time searching for them."

Dan returned to the room to sit on the floor against the sofa, beer in hand. Blair was entirely absorbed in searching through his DVDs. He knew better than to offer her a drink. If she wanted one she'd help herself, she always did.

"Angel Heart, really, Humphrey?"

"Yeah, well...Lisa Bonet is hot."

She flicked the DVD dismissively. "I'm not watching Mickey Rourke, no matter what kind of crush you have on him."

"Blair, we're not watching anything from that collection. I'm serious."

He watched her lips curl up into a pert smile. "Keep telling yourself you have some choice in the matter."

"I'm not watching erotic films with you."

"Oh, you prefer to watch them alone? Actually, forget I asked that." Her manicured nails pried a DVD from it's sleeve. "I want to watch Histoire'd O. I've never seen it. And it's the only foreign language one you have. Really, Humphrey, you must stop being so parochial, if we're going to be sort of friends. European erotica is so much more sophisticated."

"There are some Italian ones as well." He rubbed his eyes with discomfort. "I can't believe we're even having this conversation."

"You are such a prude. God...Chuck and Nate used to watch so much porn, they wouldn't even turn it off when Serena and I would visit. In fact, you wouldn't believe half the things they watched. Your collection is positively innocent in comparison."

"I can only imagine."

"I doubt that. Humphrey, I believe you're blushing. Such a girl. Where are they then?"

"Who?"

Blair rolled her eyes. "The Italian porn, you moron."

"Uh...at the end of the file I think." Dan leaned his head back to look at the ceiling. He wished he could just push her out the door and go to bed. Why he didn't completely mystified him, just laying there instead, like a rug, as she walked all over him.

"So, why Italian?"

"What better way to improve one's diction."

"I see what you tried to do there. Very lame, Humphrey, very lame." Blair cocked an eyebrow as she flipped through the discs he'd directed her to. "These are all European release, not American."

"Your powers of observation are unnerving, Waldorf." Her eyes widened expectantly. "Ok...I got most of them when I was on exchange in Italy when I was 14."

"Poor little lonely boy keeping himself company with buxom Italian celluloid." She ruffled his hair as he twitched away.

"Something like that."

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you spoke Italian."

"You've criticised my bookshelves countless times, surely you saw the Italian section."

"I thought that was just pretension, Humphrey."

Dan snorted. "Glass houses, Waldorf."

"What should we watch? I don't know any of these."

"Jesus, I don't know. Pick something at random. Don't mind me, I'll just lie here on the floor and pretend I'm dead." He toppled over and pulled the pillow beside him over his head.

Dan kept up the charade as he listened to Blair insert a DVD into the laptop and settle back into the sofa above him. The sound of the opening credits made him bury his face further into the pillow. Of course, her unerring instinct had picked the most salacious movie of them all.

"Humphrey..." She nudged him with her foot. "Humphrey, I know you're not asleep." The nudge turned into a sharp poke. "Dan, stop being so childish and help me. The subtitles don't make any sense."

Dan rolled onto his back and looked up at her. "You'll just have to watch something else then. Too bad, so sad." Blair jabbed him with the heel of her shoe this time. "Ow! Stop that, it hurts."

"You really are the worst ever host, you know. I wonder what my guests would think if I just lay on the floor of my living room and ignored them."

Dan gave a choke of laughter as she wrestled the pillow from him. "You should try it sometime, especially when people turn up uninvited and interrupt your very crucial study."

Blair stood up, throwing the pillow back at him with force, her posture taking on an exaggerated hauteur. "Fine...no, fine. I can see when I'm not welcome."

"Blair, stay. You know you're always welcome here." His hand wrapped around her ankle, thumb sliding against the soft skin it found there. "But enough with the incessant badgering."

She looked down at him, her towering heels perilously close to his head. "I can't promise anything. And stop looking up my skirt."


End file.
